I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
