I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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