I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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