you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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