How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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