even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
