so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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