We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
