When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
