i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
