the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
