all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'd cum for enchiladas.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
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