Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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