Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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