woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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