There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
