I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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