dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
