well you can't waste a boner
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
