And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
