My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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