I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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