I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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