why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
She's the barista slut.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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