Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
