I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
