I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
