peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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