Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Can vaginas get frostbite?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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