WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
