My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
what day is it and did you see me today?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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