I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Randomize
