The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
