U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
this just has baby written all over it
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
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