the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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