we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
