Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
