He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
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