Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
