Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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