omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
