soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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