My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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