so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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