Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
