I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
