u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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