I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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