i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize