Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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