What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
