I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
