Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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