How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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