You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
