maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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