1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
