i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
