she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
