So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
