Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
