I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize