I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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