yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
