My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
