Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
