i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
